
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/7915657.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Sirius_Black/James_Potter, James_Potter/Lily_Evans_Potter
  Character:
      Sirius_Black, James_Potter, Remus_Lupin, Lily_Evans_Potter, Peter
      Pettigrew
  Additional Tags:
      Marauders'_Era, Love_Triangles, Teen_Romance, Blow_Jobs, First_Time,
      Underage_Drinking
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-08-30 Words: 9502
****** One to Keep You Honest ******
by disparity
Summary
     “What, you think everyone's doing it with their best mates?”
     James slid on his glasses, blinking as his eyes adjusted. He turned
     to Sirius and said, “Well, why the hell wouldn't they?”
     And Sirius really didn't have anything to say, after that, because he
     couldn't think of a single damn reason.
Notes
     I've separated this into two acts. The first is humor and sex, and
     the second is a giant pit of angst. If you don't give a damn about
     canon, you can just read the first one and pretend they lived happily
     ever after, wheee. I was tempted to do the same, but. The angst, it
     called to me. I regret nothing.
                              ****** Act I ******
They were drunk, the first time.
He couldn't remember why they were drunk, specifically, but he knew that he was
shit-faced and giddy and James was here, and that was pretty spiffing because
James was the best.
“James,” he breathed into James' ear. “Prongs, Prongsie, Prongsaloo.”
There were fingers on his face. They crawled over to his ear like spiders and
then they went inside, hey. Sirius whined because that wasn't nice, who the
hell puts fingers in somebody's ear, honestly.
“I'm cleaning out your ears,” said James, because that just made perfect sense.
“Why?” Sirius half-heartedly smacked his arm. “Why?” he repeated.
“Because if you could hear the stupid things, you wouldn't say the stupid
things.”
Sirius wrinkled his nose. “What? Prongs, what, stop it.”
“I'm cleaning out your ears,” said James firmly.
“Yeah, we've established that. But why?”
James sighed and said, “Because, Pads. You've gotta have gunk in them. There's
no other way you'd do those stupid things with your tongue.”
Sirius licked him, obviously, because he said tongue and that's just what you
did when someone was talking about your tongue. Not that people talked about
his tongue very much. Oh bother, he forgot what he was going to say.
“You licked me!” said James.
“Obviously,” said Sirius. Oh, he remembered the thing! “James, you're the
best.”
“So you licked me?”
“No, those things are unrelated.”
“Do you lick all the best things?” James went on, even though he knew that
wasn't what Sirius meant, because Sirius just said so. “Do you lick the, the
best dogs and the flowers and the... what are the other things you like?”
“I don't like flowers,” said Sirius, because why the hell would he like
flowers.
“What? Why don't you like flowers? Everyone like flowers. What's your favorite
flower, Padfoot?”
“I don't know. Why would I know that?”
James chuckled. “Hey, know what mine is?”
“Lily,” said Sirius, because that was a terrible joke.
“Red lilies!” shouted James. Sirius was glad they'd thought to cast silencing
charms before getting drunk because or else Remus would've definitely hexed
them by now. It was very late. Or early. Definitely early. “Hey, do they have
red ones?”
Sirius frowned, because he wasn't trying to talk about Evans. He was trying to
say something else. “Prongs, you're the best,” he repeated.
“Lily's the best.”
“Shut up. No lilies.”
“But I want Lily.”
“The whole school knows you want Lily,” said Sirius. “But you're the best, so
you should have the best.”
“Are you telling me I should have myself, Pads?” said James, his laughter a
little breathless. “'Cause I'm pretty sure I'd rather have Lily.”
“You could have someone besides Lily,” Sirius pointed out.
“All I've got's Lily and my hand, Pads.”
“But there's got to be something better than your hand that isn't Lily.”
“Yeah, but if I go for someone else, what if Lily wants me then? Then I'm with
someone else. Then I can't have her.”
Sirius snorted, because James was never ever going to have Lily Evans, and
everyone except for James knew it. There was no point in saying it, though.
“So it's gonna be you and your hand 'til hell freezes over, yeah?” Sirius shook
his head which, whoops, made the world spin for a bit. “That's sad, mate. It's
just sad.”
“Well, what else can I do?” James whined. “Sure, I'm horny, but Lily won't date
me, and even if she did, she wouldn't, you know. Not for months, at least.”
“Are you horny right now?” asked Sirius, because hmm, that was interesting. He
didn't know why it was interesting, but they were talking about it anyway, so
hell.
“What?” James laughed. His hand was on Sirius' face again, traveling around a
bit before it pinched his nose. “I'm not going to beat one off with you in the
bed, stupid.”
“That's not what I meant,” Sirius insisted, and he was maybe at least sixty
percent sure that was true.
“Well, what'd you mean? Why are you asking if I'm horny?”
Sirius snorted again, because obviously this was a joke, and said, “Doesn't
matter. You couldn't get it up anyway, 'cause you're drunk.”
“Why are you suddenly so concerned about my prick?”
“I have noooconcerns about your prick.”
James shifted in the bed, so that he was lying on his stomach with his chin
poking into Sirius' chest. Sirius grabbed a pillow to prop his own head up, so
they could face each other.
“You have no faith in me,” said James.
“I do so. I trust you with my life, Prongs.”
“But you don't trust my prick.”
“Why are we talking about your prick?”
“You brought it up.”
“Oh?” Sirius smirked. “You think I could bring it up?”
James smacked him on the arm, and Sirius just chuckled. “You couldn't,” said
James, and that sounded an awful lot like a challenge.
“I could.” Sirius wasn't sure why he was so sure about that, but he definitely
was.
“You don't even have tits.”
“Don't need tits,” said Sirius. “S'not just about tits, James.”
“Right,” James snorted, “I forgot, you're the wanking expert.”
“I'm better than you!”
“At wanking? You think so?”
Sirius made a face and said, “Obviously. I'm better than you at everything.”
“Let's see it, then.”
Something shocked through Sirius. It was warm, and nice, and James made it
happen. He wondered, then, if James could make other things happen.
“What, you want to watch?” he asked. Funny things were going on in his chest.
He didn't know which answer he wanted, and that was odd, because Sirius almost
always knew what he wanted. Now, though? The wanting part of his brain must be
addled.
“Don't be stupid,” said James. “You couldn't get it up, anyway. I haven't got
tits, or a fanny either.”
“You've got a mouth, haven't you?”
James made a noise like he'd choked on something. “What, you'd think about my
mouth?”
“Why not?” Sirius shrugged. “A mouth's a mouth. There's no difference.”
“Is so.”
“Is not.”
“Right, so if I just suck you off right now, that's not going to be a problem
for you?”
Sirius' cock promptly replied that no, that was not going to be a problem at
all. Sirius himself was a tad too shocked to speak. James tilted his head, and
Sirius would've killed to know just what he was thinking. He got some idea of
it, when James' hand traveled down his body, resting against his half-hard
prick.
“Guess not,” James breathed.
“Are you...?” Sirius' throat was terribly dry. “Are you, too?”
Fingers wrapped around his wrist, pulling his hand down to the drawstring waist
of James' pajamas. James stopped there, releasing his hand. He stared at
Sirius, their eyes locked, a silent challenge. Sirius swallowed thickly before
he moved his hand lower, lower, until it brushed against something more than
half-hard, thick and wet and sweet Merlin, he was touching James' cock.
And then James' hand was moving, pressing gently against the outline of his
prick, and it was barely anything but it was amazing, and before he knew it, he
was pushing his hips into his best friend's hand. He thought, he was sure it
ought to feel wrong, but it didn't, at all.
James was breathing on his neck and James was rubbing his prick, and it
occurred to Sirius that he ought to do something, too. His hand dipped between
cloth and skin, slicked with precome as it slid down James' shaft. The sound he
made was rich, deep and stuttered, and it went straight to Sirius' cock. He
didn't know why on earth he'd never thought about making James make that sound,
but he was pretty sure he wasn't going to think about anything else, ever.
Sirius sped up, determined to get another sound, and when James whimpered
softly, he responded with a groan. Damn if that wasn't the hottest thing, and
James just kept at it, making keening noises and mumbling nonsense as he palmed
Sirius through his clothes, and Sirius was going to come from this, he really
was. He could feel the pull of it thrumming strongly, surging hotly as James
came, wet and sticky in his hand.
It wasn't quite enough, and James was too busy making the most beautiful noises
to breathe properly, let alone move, so Sirius snaked his other hand beneath
his pants, stroking hard and fast. He was close, so close, when James reached
in and pulled his hand out. He made a noise of complaint, but then James' mouth
was on his, and it was warm and wet and solid, and James' hand was back, his
hand, Sirius was never going to look at that hand the same way after this. And
that didn't make sense because it was just a hand, it was exactly like his
hand, except he'd never come this hard from his own hand before.
It spilled out of him all at once, and James slowed but didn't stop, mumbling
things in his ear as the stars blinked behind his eyes. And Sirius didn't quite
know what happened after, except he was tired and drunk, and he just had the
best orgasm ever, so must've gone to sleep.
Waking up was different. Waking up was... fine, at first, and then very
strange. Because he was spooning his best friend while they both smelled like
sex, and well. That was new.
“James,” he muttered in James' ear. “James, wake up.”
“Shut it, Padfoot.”
“Prongs. Wake up.”
“Don't want to.”
“But we had sex.”
“Hmm?” James shifted sleepily. “So?”
“So. We're best friends.”
“So?”
“So. So are we gay now?”
“No, we're not gay.”
Sirius thought about it for a minute. “I think I am, though. It sort of makes
sense.”
And it did. It made a startling amount of sense, in fact.
“Rubbing one out with your best friend doesn't make you gay,” James insisted.
“No, but.” Sirius suddenly felt... terrified. “James, I really think I'm gay. I
think I was gay before. I think I've been gay the whole time.”
“Okay, Pads. You're gay.”
“But. That's okay, right?”
James patted his hand. “'Course it's okay. You're okay any way you are.”
“So we're still friends, then?”
“Yes, idiot. Go to sleep.”
He didn't go back to sleep. He got up and wrote a letter to his parents, which
he'd never done before, just to tell them that their disowned son that they
hated was a big gay flamer. The entire school knew by supper.
Funny enough, it really didn't change a damn thing that mattered.
***
The second time, they were also drunk.
It was a week later, a week after Sirius outed himself to all of Hogwarts and
the world. He was still riding the high of it, finally realizing something
that'd been sneaking around the edges of his perception for years. They were
celebrating, because why not, and perhaps partly because he thought he and
James ought to have a chat, and he reckoned the best way to have serious
discussions was to get utterly pissed first.
They were in the dorm again, and Remus and Peter weren't complete buzzkills
this time, but they'd both nodded off and Sirius was on James' bed again, and
he couldn't help thinking about the last time. He was pretty sure he didn't
fancy James, because James was his best friend. But he was also quite sure that
he was gay, and that getting off with James had been rather fantastic. Still,
that wasn't the point of tonight. The point was talking, so that was what they
were going to do.
And if there happened to be sex, well. Sirius really didn't know what itmeant
to shag your best mate, but he figured he'd probably be alright with whatever
it was.
They sat up, leaning against the headboard, James' head on Sirius' shoulder. He
was babbling about Quidditch strategies, and Sirius would've been listening if
he weren't still trying to work up the courage to say something that didn't
seem terrifying until the words were sitting there in his mouth, sticking and
refusing to come out.
“James,” he finally whispered, because he wasn't going to say it otherwise.
“Hmm?” said James. “What's it?”
“Thanks.”
“What for?”
Sirius elbowed him. “You know. For... not being different.”
“I couldn't be any different than the way I am.”
“Well, the way you are's smashing.”
James snorted and nuzzled into his neck. “I know. Wanna get off again?”
That, was not at all was Sirius was expecting to hear. It wasn't as if he was
about to say no, but he did say, “I thought you weren't gay.”
“I don't have to be gay to like handjobs, Sirius.”
“You have to a bit gay to like handjobs from other blokes, James.”
“Not other blokes,” said James pointedly. “Just you.”
“Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but I am a bloke.”
James sighed, going limp against him. “Look, I just... You know how I feel,
about Lily. How I've always felt. And I'm going to wait for her until she loves
me back—I am. But it's nice to have something in the meantime.”
“And I'm the something?”
“Yeah.” He looked up, and Sirius looked down. “I mean, it's better with you
than it is by myself.”
“But... it's sex, right?”
James' brow furrowed. “I don't think so?”
“What is it, then?”
“I dunno.”
“Well, it's not normal.”
“Well,” said James, grinning crookedly, “we're not normal.”
Sirius looked at him for a minute. “You're sure you're not just a bit gay? I
mean, you could be bisexual.”
“I dunno. Maybe. Does it matter?”
“Don't you want to know?”
“I'm going to marry Lily Evans,” he said, shrugging. “I don't need to know
anything else.”
“I think you're bisexual.”
“Okay, Pads,” said James, and clumsily swung his knee around, straddling
Sirius' hips. “Whatever you say.”
He made all those noises again, and Sirius though it was probably best not to
mention how much he liked them. That'd just be strange.
***
They were not drunk the third time, but they were a bit high off winning the
Quidditch final, so Sirius didn't count it as being entirely sober, either.
It'd been two months since the last time, and they hadn't gotten drunk at all
since then because word got out that there was alcohol on school grounds, and
there'd been a purge and new restrictions along with it. Sirius'd wanked since
then, of course, but he hadn't done anything with James, whatever they were
doing, and he didn't quite know why. They just didn't talk about it, which was
fine, because they were best mates, and they had plenty of other things to talk
about. It wasn't awkward, it just wasn't there.
James didn't act any different, and Sirius usually took his cues from James, so
he didn't act any different either. But then, then they won the Quidditch Cup,
and it was brilliant, and they stayed on the pitch with Remus and Peter for a
long while after, so they were the last two in the showers. It was empty, and
they undressed, still chatting about the game because it was one hell of a
game, and then.
Sirius couldn't really say which one of them started it, that time. They got in
the shower together, and there was a natural lull in the conversation, and they
both turned to each other. They reached at the same time, pulling together,
colliding with a wet smack. James' tongue was in his mouth, and his hands were
on James' arse, and Sirius thought it was really a shame that he'd never
grabbed James' arse before now, because it was a very nice arse.
Sirius cupped his cheeks, squeezing the firm muscle, sighing into James' mouth.
James backed him up against the tile, cold and slippery, but James was rough
and warm against him, already snapping their hips together. He took James' cock
in hand, and he would've liked to get a proper look at it for once, but James
was not going to stop kissing him anytime soon. James really, really liked
kissing.
The thought occurred to Sirius that if James liked his mouth so much, he'd
probably like it even better on his cock. James had said something about
sucking him off in the beginning, and they hadn't done it yet, but Sirius
wanted to try.
Detaching his mouth from James' wasn't easy. When he finally did, James whined
in response, grabbing his hair to pull him back in, so Sirius asked it quickly,
“Can I suck you off?” James mumbled unintelligibly in response. “James,” he
said firmly, “I'm not doing it unless you say yes.”
“Yes,” James managed, and then he said it again, “yes, yes, yespleasegodyes,”
and that was the last bit that made any sort of sense.
Sirius dropped to his knees, a little too hard, but it didn't matter. His mouth
was on James' cock before he could think about the fact that he had no clue
what the fuck he was doing. He'd never given a blowjob before, but James felt
so good in his mouth, and for fuck's sake, the sounds he made. Sirius took him
deeper, so deep he gagged on it, and he had to pull back a little before
starting again eagerly.
He bobbed and laved his tongue over James' cock, searching for the rhythm of
it. When James jerked his hips and came, all Sirius could think was that he
wanted more time. Then James was pulling him up, James was pushing him against
the wall again, James was stroking him slowly and saying in his ear, “That was
so good, Pads,” and Sirius couldn't think about anything much for awhile.
When he came, James was back to kissing him again, and he kept doing it after,
as if it didn't occur to him to stop. It was loose and languid, and he got the
same drop in his stomach that he did when he was flying. The longer it went on,
the less Sirius worried about it. Clearly it wasn't an accident, and if James
didn't want to stop, then he didn't either. It was nice, and they both wanted
it, so what else mattered?
They snogged until James' cock perked up again, and the water was getting a bit
cold, but James just turned the knob and came right back, pressing his erection
against Sirius' hip.
“Can I do it again?” asked Sirius, smirking lazily. “I could use the practice.”
James laughed, breathless, and said, “Sure.”
He went a little slower that time, taking just the head in, trying to figure
out how to manage his teeth. His tongue swept over every part of James' cock,
and his balls beneath, and then he added his hand. James was so damn loud, and
Sirius loved all of it, using every noise as a guide as he explored and tasted
James. When he was done, he swallowed down the bitter come, dragging his tongue
across the roof of his mouth.
“Sirius,” James moaned from above him, his grip sliding on the wall. “I don't
think I can stand up anymore.”
After an exhausting Quidditch final and a brilliant shag (because that was
almost definitely a shag), Sirius couldn't agree more. He supported James'
weight and soaped them both up, rinsing quickly and setting James down on the
bench. He dabbed a towel at James' skin, ruffling his wet hair, and dried
himself. He went to fetch their clothes, and when he came back, James was
nodding off.
“Don't go falling asleep, all-star,” said Sirius, tossing his shirt at him.
“I'm not carrying you back to the castle. And you've an after-party to
celebrate, still.”
James grinned and said, “Already had it.”
“Yeah. Pretty sure it was actually sex this time, you know.”
“You reckon?”
“Well, it's called oral sex, isn't it?” Sirius reasoned.
“Hmm. S'pose it is.” James looked over at him, half-dressed. “That still
alright, then?”
Sirius shrugged. “Long as you're alright with it.”
“But you're alright with it, too?”
“That's what I said.”
“That not what you said.”
Sirius sighed. “It's more than alright, Prongs.”
“That good, eh?”
“Shut up.”
But James was grinning now, the berk, and he just went on with it. “I'm gonna
tell everyone Sirius Black thinks I'm a great shag.”
“You're gonna tell them?” Sirius repeated.
“Nah, probably not,” James admitted, scratching the back of his head. “They
wouldn't get it.”
Sirius' mouth twisted as he said, “I'm not sure I get it.”
“What's there to get? We're best mates, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So there.”
“Pretty sure most mates don't shag each other.”
“Best ones do.”
“I don't think they do, Prongs.”
“How would you know? They'd keep it a secret, right?”
“I s'pose, yeah,” said Sirius. When James gave him a pointed look, he snorted.
“What, you think everyone's doing it with their best mates?”
James slid on his glasses, blinking as his eyes adjusted. He turned to Sirius
and said, “Well, why the hell wouldn't they?”
And Sirius really didn't have anything to say, after that, because he couldn't
think of a single damn reason.
***
Sirius tried to think of a way to ask Remus, because it seemed like something
Remus would know. He was the most normal out of any of them, even with the
werewolf thing. Sirius wondered if he should be subtle about it, but he
reckoned that might just make Remus more suspicious. He didn't want to tell
their secret, but he had to ask somebody about all this, and Remus wouldn't
blab.
He found Remus studying in the dorm alone, and flopped down on his bed amid
protests. “Oi, Moony,” he said, digging a book out from underneath his back.
Why were there so many books on his bed? “Got a question for you.”
“How about you get the hell off my bed and then I'll think about answering it,
you tit.”
“Would you ever sleep with your best mate?”
Remus stopped trying to fix the mess Sirius had made, to slowly raise one
eyebrow. “I'm straight, Sirius,” he said.
“I know, but still. If you had a girl best mate. Would you sleep with her?”
“Well, then she'd be my girlfriend, not my mate.”
“You reckon?”
“Er, yes? That's sort of how it works.”
“What if you didn't want to date, though?” asked Sirius, staring up at the
canopy. “What if you just wanted to shag, but still be best mates? Could you?”
“You're being a bit pervy, Sirius.”
“Am not.”
Remus heaved a frustrated sigh and said, “You invited yourself into my bed, and
now you're asking if it's okay to shag your mates. It's a bit pervy.”
“It's a hypothetical situation, Remus.”
“Well, you're not hypothetically in my bed, are you?”
“Fine.” Sirius slid out of the bed, sitting on the floor. “Would you shag your
hypothetical best mate, who is a girl, and not date her? Is that a normal thing
to do?”
“I don't think so.”
Sirius pouted. “Why not, though?”
“Sirius.” Remus looked down at him from the bed, a concerned expression on his
face. “Are you... having feelings?”
“I don't have feelings!” Sirius protested.
“You kind of seem like you might have feelings, mate.”
“I don't have any feelings,” he insisted. “I just, you know, would it be so
bad? I mean, if it's just shagging. It's not a bad thing, right?”
“No,” said Remus carefully, “it isn't bad.”
“But?”
“But... Well, the other person might not feel the same way-”
“There's no feelings, Moony!”
Remus held up his hands. “Alright, fine. I'm just saying, maybe the other
person is... well... not gay-”
“No, no, we're not talking about being gay. If it was a girl-”
“Sirius, I know this isn't hypothetical.”
“It is,” Sirius insisted, even though it wasn't, at all.
“You're too upset for it to be hypothetical.”
Sirius frowned and said, “I'm not upset.”
“You are, mate. And look, I fully support you, but I can't... you know, do
that.”
“Do what?”
Remus blushed. “Sirius.”
He understood suddenly. “Oh, no! No, I didn't mean you. I meant... Well, never
mind what I meant.”
“Oh. You... meant James.”
“No.”
“But.” Remus wrinkled his nose. “But James is in love with Lily. He's always
been in love with Lily.”
“We're not talking about James!” Sirius insisted. “I just, I want to know if
it's normal.”
Remus considered him carefully, tilting his head as he thought. “I think it's
normal for you to be attracted to James.”
“It's not James!”
“Come off it, Padfoot.”
Sirius winced. “You can't tell anyone.”
“I won't tell anyone.”
“It's supposed to be a secret.”
“So... wait, does Jamesknow?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what did he say?”
“He said it's normal.”
Remus held his palms out. “Then what is the problem?”
“Er...” Sirius thought about it for a minute. “I guess there isn't one?”
“Then why are you interrupting me? I've got revising to do, you tit.”
Sirius left feeling much better. If Remus said it was normal, then it was
definitely normal. Even if he wasn't necessarily privy to the finer points.
***
By the fourth time, Sirius figured he ought to initiate. It seemed like the
sort of thing you'd take turns doing, even though there weren't actually any
rules to this thing.
He wasn't sure how to do it, so he did it in Charms, leaning over while they
were practicing spells to whisper in James' ear, “Can I suck you off tonight?”
James went still for a moment before turning to him with a grin. “Sure you can,
Pads,” he said between startled laughter.
Sirius waited until everyone else was in bed before he crawled out and pulled
back James' curtains. James was sitting up in bed shirtless, already hard
beneath his pajamas. Sirius' breath caught for a minute, and a smirk spread
across James' mouth.
“Well, you took your sweet time,” he whispered, and grabbed Sirius by the shirt
to pull him in.
Sirius felt the whoosh of the silencing charms as he stumbled on top of James,
trying to right himself until James took his face and started snogging him.
They did just that for awhile before James gripped his back and flipped him
over in one move that knocked whatever breath Sirius had left straight out.
“You're going first this time,” said James as he reached beneath Sirius' pants
to take hold of his cock. “And I was thinking, too,” he went on, and Sirius
really tried to pay attention to what he was saying, “I could suck you off, if
you tell me how.”
“Yeah, just-” Sirius interrupted himself with a grunt, then caught his breath
before saying, “You just put your mouth on, and pull your lips over your teeth
like this.” He demonstrated. “And you, you know, suck it.”
“Okay, but you have to tell me if I'm doing it wrong.”
“Pretty sure it's impossible to go wrong when your mouth's on my cock, James.”
“Right. A mouth's a mouth.”
“Right.”
“And a cock is... well, a cock.”
Sirius shrugged. “It's just like your cock.”
“Well, I can't put my mouth on my cock.”
“That's what mine's for, prat.”
James laughed, and Sirius laughed back, and it was all pretty funny until
James' mouth went down on his cock, and then it was something else entirely.
Snogging James was good, snogging James was excellent, but it had nothing on
this. Sirius didn't even know what James was doing with his mouth, but his
tongue was everywhere, and it was so wet and warm, and Sirius thought, for the
hundredth time, that they should've done this ages ago. There was no sense in
not doing it when it felt this bloody good.
James let go with a pop to ask, “Is it alright? You're not saying anything.”
“Well, don't fucking stop,” Sirius complained, breathless andaching.
“I'm doing it right, then?”
“James,” said Sirius through gritted teeth. “Keep. Going. And if you stop again
before I come, I swear- nngh. Yes. Like that. Just like that.”
James pulled him in, sucking hard, then gently stroking whatever he couldn't
reach. Sirius was on fire, flushed red with the heat of it, and the thought
that James might stop again kept him talking.
“It feels so good,” he panted, clutching fistfuls of James' sheets. “It's
amazing, you're amazing, don't stop. Fuck. Fuck, James, we should've been doing
this the whole time. If I knew your mouth was this good, I'd have shagged you
years ago. I'd have had you in so many places. I'd've had you in the boys' loo,
how many times did we go into the loo together, and we could've been sucking
each other off in the stalls?”
James groaned deeply around his cock and sped up. Sirius went on, “You want
that? You want to shag in the loo between classes, want me to swallow your come
so it doesn't get all sticky under your school robes? Or maybe I'll leave it
there to remind- fuck, remind you what I can do to you. James, I'm so close.”
He tried to control his hips as he came, fisting the sheets beneath him. He
couldn't breathe, couldn't see, and James' tongue was in his mouth before he
even realized that he'd moved. He ran his fingers through James' hair, holding
him close, drinking in every sound he made.
“Sirius,” he panted, “Sirius, I need you to-” He cut off with a whine, grinding
desperately into Sirius.
“Right,” said Sirius.
He pushed James roughly onto his back, then sunk his mouth onto the stiff,
leaking cock in front of him. It wasn't long before James was moaning as his
warm come rushed into Sirius' mouth, and Sirius swallowed it again, because he
wanted to. He wanted to do it again, and again, until the taste was so familiar
that he could imagine it on his tongue.
Sirius stripped the rest of the way, then helped James too, because they'd both
been too eager to undress properly. He discarded their clothes at the foot of
the bed, cleaned up, and pulled James beneath the sheets. James latched onto
him immediately, threading their legs together, burying his face in Sirius'
neck.
James' lips ghosted against he skin as he asked, “Are you really gonna suck me
off in the loo?”
“Do you really want me to?” asked Sirius, feeling an excited pulse in his cock.
“Would you want it, too?”
“I wouldn't have said it if I didn't want it.”
“I thought, you know, maybe it was just...” He shrugged as he trailed off.
“I want it. Fuck, I- yeah, I want it.”
“Tomorrow?”
Sirius could hardly breathe, and his cock was still sensitive, but it was
definitely getting hard again. His voice was hoarse when he said, “Yeah.”
“After lunch?”
“Before lunch,” he decided.
“After Potions,” James confirmed. “We can ditch Moony and meet them back in the
Great Hall.”
“Sure. Yeah. That's good.”
A few minutes later, James whispered, “Padfoot? You still awake?”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna go again?”
“Yeah.”
***
The fifth time, they ditched Remus to go and suck each other off in the loo,
and they spent so damn long in there, they nearly missed lunch.
***
“Alright, that's it. What're you up to?” asked Remus when they flopped down at
the Gryffindor table and stared hurriedly piling food on their plates after
the- the twelfth time? Sirius had stopped counting by then. “I know the two of
you aren't planning the end-of-term prank without us.”
“Are you?” asked Peter suddenly, as though it'd only just occurred to him.
“'Course not, Wormtail,” said James, talking through a full mouth. “Couldn't do
it without you sods, anyway, even if we wanted.”
“Which we don't,” said Sirius. “Wouldn't want you to miss out on the
detentions, after all.”
Remus pointed his fork between the two of them. “You're sneaking around more
than usual. You're doing something.”
“A whole lot of something,” said James with a wink, and Sirius snorted into his
goblet. “We should plan the end-of-term prank, though. What've you got? We
still need ideas for phase two.”
Remus let it go, but he still gave Sirius a few suspicious looks over lunch.
Sirius threw a pear at him.
***
One morning, they stumbled out of bed after an excellent morning shag to see
Remus staring them down with his arms folded across his chest. “Morning,
gentlemen,” he said.
James and Sirius exchanged looks. James shrugged and said, “Morning, Moony.”
“Slept well, I take it?”
“Er... yeah?”
“Lovely day, isn't it?”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. “What're you on?”
“You forgot your silencing charms,” said Remus flatly.
“Oh.” James glanced at Sirius with a sheepish look, shrugging again. “Sorry.”
“Prongs' fault,” said Sirius.
“It was your turn,” said James.
“It was your turn.”
“You've scarred Peter,” said Remus loudly. “For life.”
James looked around the room. “Well, where is he?”
“He ran.”
“Oh.”
Remus nodded. “Yeah. Didn't hear that, did you? Too busy buggering each other,
I reckon?”
“We haven't done that yet,” said James.
Sirius blinked and repeated, “Yet?”
“Were you going to tell me, at some point?” asked Remus, sounding very cross.
“I did tell you,” said Sirius. “Sort of.” He turned to James. “Well, I didn't
tell him. He guessed.”
“This?” He gestured between the two of them. “This was not what I guessed. I
thought we were talking about you fancying James, not actually shagging him.”
“I don't fancy him,” said Sirius with a snort. “Look at him.”
“Oi!” James protested.
“Oi, nothing. You're a scrawny wanker.”
James made to shove him, and Sirius dodged, and they chased each other around
the dorm until they were both blasted back by a shield charm. Remus stood with
his wand out, glancing between the two of them with incredulity.
“What the bloody hell is wrong with you?” he demanded.
James laughed, leaning breathlessly on his bedpost. “Come off it, Moony.
Nothing's different.”
“Oh sure, nothing's different except two of you having secret sex. Haven't you
been in love with Lily for the last six years?”
James ignored him in favor of saying to Sirius, “Told you he wouldn't get it.”
“What am I supposed to get, here?” asked Remus. “You've been lying for weeks.”
“Sorry, Moony,” said Sirius, really feeling like a tit this time. “We
shouldn't've lied to you.”
“Right, considering how well you're taking it,” said James dryly.
Remus sighed. “Look, I don't care if you two are dating or shagging or
whatever. Don't fucking lie to me again, though, right?”
“Right,” said Sirius.
James frowned, running a hand through his hair.
“James?” Remus prompted.
“You can't tell Lily,” he insisted. His eyes were wide and worried. “You can't
tell anyone that might tell Lily. You have to swear to secrecy.”
“Prongs,” said Remus, hurt in his voice. “How can you even think I wouldn't
keep your secrets? After everything?”
Well. Yeah, Sirius definitely felt like a tit.
They made their promises and kept their secrets, because Merlin knew they had
barrels full of them.
                             ****** Act II ******
That summer, James and Sirius shagged like the world was ending, and it was,
sort of. Before they left on the Hogwarts Express for seventh year, Mrs. Potter
pulled Sirius aside and said, “You take care of him for me, alright?”
“Always do, Mrs. P.”
“Oh, you're so clever. And sneaky,hmm?” She winked.
“Er... yeah?”
She wrapped him in a warm hug. “Keep each other close,” she said. “Don't you
ever be ashamed of what makes you happy, Sirius.”
“Sure, Mrs. P.” Sirius patted her on the back.
Later, on the train, he said to James, “I think your mum's gone 'round the
bend, mate.”
***
After a whole summer of sharing a room at the Potter's house and shagging
whenever the urge struck them (which was rather often), going back to Hogwarts
was challenging on unexpected fronts.
James and Sirius had always been close, obviously. The two of them paired up
whenever the opportunity struck—in class, at lunch, on Hogsmeade trips. They
frequently invaded each other's space with a variety of shoves and nudges.
Sirius hadn't ever realized how much he touched James. He never had to be aware
of it, before, because they were best mates, and that was just what best mates
did.
Now Sirius was second-guessing every touch. He tried to categorize them all,
separate them into things that were appropriate to do with your mates in public
and things that weren't. But then, the littlest things would suddenly become
problems, and it was impossible to tell how or when it'd happen until it did.
He couldn't put James in headlocks anymore. It was fun, at first, finding out
just how much it turned James on to have Sirius hold him like that. Until he
realized that meant he couldn't do it in public, because it made James
breathless in a way that wasn't friendly. And he couldn't muss up James' hair
either, because that reminded him how much he liked pulling it when James was
sucking him off.
They touched so much less now, and it was damned frustrating. It was hell and a
half to find time alone with Quidditch and N.E.W.T.'s, not to mention James'
new position as Head Boy. Sometimes they didn't even undress, just snogged and
rutted for a bit, then spent the next hour talking about the same stuff they
always did, except they were allowed to sit close.
One Saturday he woke before James, absolutely starving, and went down to get
breakfast without him. Before he left, he dipped in to kiss James' forehead. As
he was leaving the dorm, he caught Remus' eye and found himself on the
receiving end of a painfully sympathetic look. Of course, the only thing to do
then was go over and plant a big, wet one on Remus' forehead, too.
“Padfoot,” he said in a low tone, glancing at James. “You should talk to him.”
“I talk to him all the time, Moony,” Sirius pointed out.
Remus frowned. “You know what I mean.”
Sirius snorted, because he definitely didn't, at all, and he whistled a jaunty
tune on the way to breakfast.
***
The thing was, he did know. Only he didn't figure out that he knew until James
came back to the dorm one night with a dreamy look on his face and whispered,
“She said yes.”
Remus was revising, and Sirius was playing Exploding Snap with Peter. Peter's
eyebrows were still smoking, and it made his confused expression a little more
ridiculous. Sirius looked to Remus, because maybe he knew what the hell James
was talking about. Remus had gone utterly still, hand paused in the act of
turning a page. He looked up at Sirius with dread in his eyes.
Sirius frowned. “Who said what now? Prongs? Everything alright?”
“She said yes,” he repeated, letting out a high note of giddy laughter.
“Who, mate?” asked Peter.
Sirius glanced at Remus again, who stared stiffly down at the same page. It
clicked, then. It clicked with a resounding snap, only this one gave him
something a lot worse than singed eyebrows. It thudded in his chest, cold and
thick.
“She said yes!” James shouted. “Holy shit, she actually said yes. This is
happening. Oh Merlin, this is happening.”
“What's happening?” asked Peter. He kneed Sirius and said it again, “What's he
talking about?”
“Lily,” Sirius breathed.
It was obvious. He could see in James' dreamy expression, hear it in the awed
tone of his voice. How could he forget the way James used to babble about her
hair, her eyes, the way she walked and talked and smiled? How could he forget
that James was infatuated with someone else? But he had forgotten. It was easy
to forget when James was writhing in between his legs, moaning his name. James
hadn't talked about Lily in months, and Sirius had thought nothing of it.
He should have. Merlin- he should've just thought, for one second-
Not that it mattered. It didn't matter. James loved Lily. He always had and
always would. Sirius was just his something in the meantime, and he knew it,
had always known it. James never promised anything else. James didn't owe him a
damn thing.
“But I thought-” Peter started, and Sirius elbowed him, hard.
“How'd it happen, Prongs?” asked Sirius, shoving everything else to the back of
his mind. He even managed a smile, or half of one. He felt like he'd been torn
right down the middle, so at least that was fitting.
He listened to the story, and he laughed in all the right places, and when they
broke open the Firewhisky stash in celebration, he welcomed the burn in his
throat, the warmth in his stomach. At the end of the night, he felt like it was
the only thing left inside him.
***
Lily Evans and James Potter were dating.
The entire school was shocked by the news, chattering wildly as they entered
the Great Hall hand-in-hand. Even the teachers seemed to take an interest. Head
Boy and Head Girl, the perfect couple, proof that incessant pining wasn't all
heartbreak and woe. Happy endings were possible, for some. James certainly
seemed happy. Lily, too.
They were happy and in love. Wasn't that all that mattered, in the end?
***
Remus kept trying to talk to him. Wouldn't quit trying, really. Sirius dodged
and deflected, brushed him off with a laugh or two. He sat next to James and
Lily and pretended it was alright, more than alright. He didn't grimace when
they kissed, anymore. He hung out with Peter, mostly, who was too pleased with
the company to ask any stupid questions.
Remus finally cornered him, though. Sirius sighed and gave in, because he was
tired of fighting it. “What d'you want, Moony?” he asked, letting out a long
puff of white smoke as he slumped against the Quidditch post. It dug
uncomfortably into his back, and he didn't care.
“I want to talk, you tit,” said Remus, nudging his foot.
“Then talk.”
Remus bummed a smoke and sat next to him, shoulder-to-shoulder. The pressure
was nice, solid. Sirius didn't realize how much he'd missed touch, these last
few weeks. Months? He'd stopped counting.
“You're not talking,” Sirius noted after a few quiet minutes.
“Yeah, I lied.”
“Nice.”
“You're not the one I want to talk to.”
“Could've fooled me.”
“Shut up.” Remus' elbow jabbed into his ribs. “I want to talk to James. I want
to yell at James, actually.”
“What for?”
Another jab. “Come off it.”
“Stop elbowing me,” said Sirius, returning the gesture.
“No.” He did it again, slipping easily through Sirius' half-hearted defenses to
catch him in the side. “I'm gonna keep elbowing you.”
“Why?”
“'Cause I'm cross.”
“Well, go be cross somewhere else.”
“Nope.”
“Arsehole.”
“Tit.”
“Twat.”
“Git.”
“Wanker.”
Instead of replying, Remus elbowed him again.
“Stop that,” said Sirius, rubbing at his side. “It hurts, you prick.”
“Oh? Are you in pain?” asked Remus snidely. “Here I thought you'd never admit
it.”
“Fuck off.”
“It's okay to be in pain, git.”
“I'm only in pain 'cause you elbowed me, git.”
“You're such a liar, git.”
“What's it to you, git?”
“You're my friend, git.”
“Stop saying git.”
“Git.”
“Stop it.”
“Git, git, git. Padfoot is a giant git.”
Sirius shoved his shoulder and asked, “What the fuck is your problem?”
“I've got the dumbest mates on the whole fucking planet, that's my problem.”
“So go get new ones, then.”
“They're complete tossers,” Remus went on, ignoring him. “There's this one mate
I've had for years, right? We've done all this shit for each other. We've bled
for each other. I'd do anything for him, anything at all, and he just keeps
bloody lying to me. He won't quit! He lies and then laughs in my face.”
“What, you want me to tell you all my feelingsinstead?” asked Sirius nastily.
“Well, you can stop pretending you don't have them. That'd be a good start.”
“You want to know how I'm feeling right now?”
“Love to.”
“Angry.”
“Oh, yeah? Why's that?”
“Because my mate won't leave me the fuck alone.” He took one last drag and
threw the cigarette across the grounds. “He keeps getting in my face and asking
me stupid questions.”
“Really? Why's he doing that?”
“'Cause he's a giant prick.”
Remus made a sound like a game show buzzer and said, “Try again.”
“'Cause he likes bothering me.”
Buzz.
“'Cause he's a pathetic fucking loser with nothing better to do.”
Buzz.
“'Cause he gives a shit,” said Sirius finally, just to shut him up.
“Whoa, hey, look at that. Here's your prize.” Remus elbowed him again.
“What the fuck-”
“I give a shit, Sirius! I give a shit about you, even when you don't give a
shit about yourself. So you don't get to just sit there and pretend
everything's alright, because it's hurting you, and I won't stand by and watch
it happen!”
“What are you going to do about it, then?” Sirius demanded. “What, you're going
to just shout at me until I tell you all my feelings, and then what's after
that?”
“Oh, hell if I know! But it can't go on like this.”
“How else is it s'posed to go on? What else am I supposed to do,cry about it?
Go scream in somebody's face and beat the shit out of them with my elbows of
steel-”
“Tell James you love him, you prat!”
“Then what?”
“Then, I dunno, then at least he'll know.”
“And what will that change?”
“I don't-” Remus looked uncertain, for the first time. His voice took on a
gentle tone. “You have to tell him, Padfoot.”
Sirius wasn't going to do anything as stupid as cry, even though his throat was
tight and his fists were clenched against it. “It won't change anything,” he
said, forcing the words out. “He loves Lily.”
“He loves you, too.”
“If he loved me, then he wouldn't-” Sirius swallowed thickly and didn't finish.
Remus' arm slid around his shoulders. “Come here, you tit.”
Remus was more comfortable than the goalpost. Warmer, too. Sirius huddled up
against him, face buried in a red-and-gold scarf. Remus gently rubbed his upper
arm, his cheek resting atop Sirius' hair. Sirius had missed this, these small
comforts, and it occurred to him that maybe Remus did, too. Maybe Sirius had
edged him out, a little.
“Moony?” he said a long while later, voice hoarse and limbs long gone stiff.
“Yeah, Padfoot?”
“I've been a piss-poor mate, haven't I?”
“Sort of, yeah.”
“Sorry.”
“S'okay. Just, I dunno, get me some chocolate or something. I'm easy.”
“I'll make chocolate for you.”
“No. No, I'm not eating anything you bake. I swore, never again.”
“That hurts, Moony.”
Remus grunted. “You know what hurts? My arse. Can we get up now?”
Slowly they got to their feet, grumbling about pins and needles and runny
noses. Remus' leg refused to cooperate, and Sirius helped him limp back up to
the castle. They snuck into the kitchens for hot chocolate and spent the rest
of the afternoon talking about the Giant Squid and McGonagall's new hat.
His ribs were sore for three days.
***
Sirius tried to get a moment alone with James. He did try. Remus didn't seem to
think he was trying hard enough, until he saw firsthand evidence of the way
James cleverly skirted around the idea at lunch. Remus glared at James for the
rest of the period, and the next day, there was a talk.
“Hey Padfoot,” said James that evening, pushing his hand through his messy
hair. “Think we can talk for a minute?”
Sirius glanced at Remus over their card game and received a look that was some
mixture of sheepish and encouraging. “Sure,” said Sirius, and followed him up
to the dorm.
James looked like he was about to sit down on his bed, but he stopped halfway
there and leant awkwardly against the bedpost instead. Sirius just stood in the
middle of the dorm, staring at the floor.
“Remus got to you, too?” he asked, when James didn't say anything.
With a weak chuckle, James said, “Yeah. He kicked me a lot.”
“It was elbows, for me.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
“He has pointy elbows.”
“Yeah. He was rather cross with me.”
“Oh?” Their eyes met for half a second, and James cleared his throat as he
looked away. “It's just, I thought he was on your side.”
“We're on different sides, now?”
“No. I mean... well.”
“Well what?”
“Well,” James repeated, shrugging. “Are we?”
“We're always on the same side.”
“Right. I-” He shifted, then sighed. “I'm sorry, Pads.”
“For what?”
James looked up. “For, you know.”
“What part are you sorry about?” asked Sirius slowly.
“I'm sorry for making you think that it was something else. I should've been
clearer, about that.”
“About what?”
“Look, you're doing this wrong,” said James, annoyed. “I say sorry, and you say
sorry, and then we move on.”
“I want to know what the fuck you're sorry for,” Sirius snapped.
“I dunno! Everything? I'm sorry for not telling you that I wasn't in love with
you because I just figured that was assumed. Hell, Sirius. You knew I was in
love with Lily! I told you, in the beginning.”
“Yeah, in the beginning,” Sirius agreed. “And then it was different.”
“It was never different! It was exactly what I said it was. I never lied to
you. You're the one that changed your mind.”
“So you're not sorry, then?”
“No, I'm not!” James shouted. Then he just blinked for a minute. “Well, I'm
sorry you got hurt. But I don't know what I could've done about it.”
Sirius worked his jaw, forcing it to unclench. “So what you're saying is it's
all my fault? 'Cause I had no reason, at all, to think that you felt
something?”
James laughed, humorlessly. “Unbelievable! You're trying to get to to admit to
feelings that I don't have. I never had them!” He let out a harsh exhale.
“You're my best friend, for fuck's sake. Why isn't that enough for you?”
“It was, until I figured out that you were in love with me.”
“I'm not-”
“Took me awhile,” Sirius went on. “You're good at hiding it. But you really
can't have expected to lie to me forever.” He grinned sardonically. “I'm your
best friend, right?”
“You're barking is what you are. You're not even listening to me!”
“'Cause I'm done listening to your bullshit. You're gonna tell me the truth.
And I don't care if you deny it for the rest of your life, because right now,
you're gonna admit it.”
James laughed again, in utter disbelief. “You are actually barking mad. Look,
you can be upset that I chose Lily, alright? That's fine, I get that, but-”
“It's not about you choosing Lily!” shouted Sirius. “It's about you refusing to
acknowledge that I was a choice!”
“Sirius. I. Love. Lily.I've always loved Lily-”
“You loved me, too!” Sirius' throat was closing up. He forced the words out
anyway, because if he didn't say them now, he never would. “You could've chosen
me. You already had me.”
“Then you should've said.”
“Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't.”
“I'm sorry I didn't, either.” James ran a hand through his hair again. “And I'm
sorry for lying.”
Sirius nodded. They were quiet, for a moment, before he asked, “Are you going
to tell Lily?”
“No.”
“You should.”
“What, so she'll break up with me?” he asked sharply. “You'd like that,
wouldn't you?”
“No.”
“Liar.”
“She deserves to know, Prongs,” said Sirius with a tired. “It won't last, if
you keep secrets.”
James snorted. “Right.”
“Just think about it.”
A few breaths later, he asked, “Are you going to tell her, if I don't?”
Sirius thought about that and said, “No. She'll dump you for sure, if she hears
it from me.”
“Isn't that what you want?”
“No, James. It's not what I want.”
James shrugged one shoulder. “What d'you want, then?”
“I'd like my best mate back, if that's alright.”
“'Course.” James pursed his lips. “Just... you know, maybe we should take some
time.”
“Sure. Reckon we both need it.”
“Right. Padfoot?
“Yeah?”
“I did love you.”
Sirius swallowed thickly. “I loved you too, Prongs.”
***
Lily pulled him aside after supper two days later. “Hey, Sirius, can I borrow
you for a minute?”
“Looks a bit more like stealing than borrowing,” he replied.
She let go of his arm. “Oh. Sorry, I-”
“S'fine, Evans.” He followed her into the corridor, where he stood awkwardly in
the corner while she cast a few choice charms. “What's this about?”
“James,” she replied, giving him a pointed look. “And you.”
“Yeah?” Sirius' heart dropped a little. “What about us?”
“Did you have a row?”
He exhaled steadily. “No, Evans. We didn't have a row.”
“What is it, then? Something's happened. He's acting all different. Avoiding
you. He won't even say your name.” She narrowed her eyes. “What did you do?”
“Why's it have to be me?”
“It's always you,” she said dismissively. “And Remus is acting squirrely, too.
Don't make me ask Peter.”
“Why don't you ask James?” he suggested.
“He won't tell me.”
“Then I'm not telling you, either.”
She frowned and said, “Fine. I will ask Peter.”
“Don't.” He caught her arm as she turned to leave. “James'll tell you. Just
give him time.”
“Is it something terrible? Is he is in trouble?”
“For Merlin's sake, Evans,” he sighed.
“You know, you could call me by my first name,” she said curtly. “I know we're
not each other's favorite people, Sirius, but I am making an effort here.”
Sirius closed his eyes briefly. “Just be patient with him, alright? He's head-
over-heels for you, and he's terrified of screwing it up. He'll tell you soon
enough.”
“I thinkyoushould tell me,” she insisted. “I think that'd go a long way towards
making us better friends, don't you?”
“We'll never be friends, Evans,” he snapped.
It wasn't fair to say, he knew that, and Lily looked hurt for a grand total of
about two seconds before she got angry.
“You are impossible, Sirius Black,” she declared, poking him hard in the chest.
She apologized a week later.
***
Remus slammed his bag down on the table. “I'm going to wring his neck,” he
said, slumping onto the bench.
“Whose neck?” asked Sirius.
“You know whose neck.” He rolled his eyes. “She thinks he's a virgin. A virgin!
When you two were shagging each other day and night for months!” Sirius winced,
and Remus bit the inside of his cheek. “Sorry.”
“S'fine. How do you know all this?”
“She told me they're waiting. Said they both want their first time to be
special.”
Sirius shrugged and said, “Well, it's sort of his first time?”
“With a girl, sure. But he's obviously not a virgin, and Lily thinks he is.”
“Well, how do you know that?”
“She said.”
“She said it's their first time.”
Remus gave him a flat look. “He's lying to her, Padfoot.”
“What, so he should give her all the details?”
“No, but she deserves to know what was going on.”
“She knows.” He shrugged again, just one shoulder this time. “She came and
apologized to me, so he at least told her something.”
“Why are you defending him?” Remus demanded. “He's being dishonest! Again!”
“Not my business anymore.”
“It's not fair to Lily.”
“So?”
“So.” Remus kicked his ankle. “Lily's my friend too, in case you've forgotten.
And I don't like it when my friends aren't honest with each other.”
Sirius snorted. “Yeah, I know that. But you can't just beat everyone into
telling the truth.”
“Lying hurts more!”
“Sometimes you just have to let people hurt.”
“That's what I did last time.” He shook his head firmly. “I'm not doing it
again. I can't.”
“It's not your secret to tell.”
Remus frowned. “You should tell her, then.”
“You know I can't.”
“Why not?”
“Prongs'll hate me, if I do.” Sirius looked down at his hands, idly tapping on
the table. “He wouldn't forgive me.”
“He'd forgive you for anything.”
“Almost anything.”
After a long, tense moment, Remus sighed. He leaned forward, resting his head
flat on the table. “I hate this. I hate it so much. I wish I didn't know
anything.”
“Sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
“It is,” said Sirius. “Me and James, we fucked it all up. And I'm sorry.”
“It's alright.” He looked up, a small smile on his face. “I'm pretty used to
the two of you fucking things up by now.”
“Yeah.”
They both laughed. It still hurt, but Sirius was maybe at least sixty percent
sure everything was going to be fine.
***
It was fine for three years.
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